Teen Wolf recap – Season 4, Episode 7: Weaponized

For more Teen Wolf recaps, click here.

Welcome to a creepy evil laboratory. A tent stands in the middle, surrounded by a line of mountain ash.

So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...

So come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab. I see you shiver with antici…

Professor Evil is conducting experiments on some werewolf we don’t know. The werewolf has got black grossness coming out of his face like the werewolves from Satomi’s pack last episode. Professor Evil watches the werewolf die and then presses play on his cassette player. He takes a swig from a cup of tea and listens to his lullaby of murder.

...pation.

…pation.

CASSETTE: After entering the IP address, you will be connected through a Dark Net portal to an untraceable bank. Once logged in, enter your account number to receive wire transfers. The IP address will deactivate will each transfer. You will be assigned a new IP address if you choose to continue down the list. Remember: visual confirmation is always required for payment.

We cut to Scott’s bedroom, picking up where we left off last week. Scott and Stiles seemed to have finished counting Garrett’s money while listening to the mysterious cassette tape. It plays the same recording as Professor Evil’s tape but there’s no word on whether the tape also includes that report Kate listened to on her mix tape last episode (the one which seemed to be about the Hale family). Since Scott and Stiles have never had enough money for a wire transfer, they don’t understand a single thing on that tape.

Adult things like money transfers seem confusing.

SCOTT: Why would someone use all this money just to kill us?

STILES: Someone wants you dead, dude. Badly.

Thanks, buddy. That clears up that question.

Scott starts putting the money back in Garrett’s bag; he wants to go to bed early because they have the PSAT tomorrow. Stiles wants to address the important question: should they give Derek and Peter back the $500,000 from Garrett?

Stiles thinks not, since he doesn’t like Peter. Scott thinks yes because Scott is everyone’s moral compass even if he’s pointing to some dumb direction like due Help Fund the Potential Bad Guy.

Before they can consider this, Scott hears footsteps. He and Stiles shove the bag of money under Scott’s bed and stand up awkwardly because it’s better to look like you’ve just been making out than you’ve suddenly won the lottery.

Malia opens Scott’s bedroom door, soaked from the rain outside. She tells Scott and Stiles that she and Derek found Satomi’s pack and they were all poisoned.

Derek kicks open the door of the hospital, carrying Braeden in his arms. He yells out for help, saying that Braeden’s been shot. Mama McCall is there. She must be just starting her shift because she was at home at the end of last episode, looking like she was ready for bed.

Excuse me, I have a crush on this girl. Please fix her.

Excuse me, I have a crush on this girl. Please fix her.

At the animal clinic, Deaton seems to be locking up for the night. He hears something behind him and pulls out a metal baton thing. Deaton quickly engages in a ninja battle with a hooded figure.

I really want there to be some kind of Emissary Academy where everyone learns to be as awesome as Deaton.

I really want there to be some kind of Emissary Academy where everyone learns to be as awesome as Deaton.

After a moment, Deaton steps back and bows to his opponent, saying that she could have called. His opponent looks up and we see her face for the first time. It’s Satomi. Her eyes glow Alpha red as she smiles.

TITLE SEQUENCE

The next day at school, Scott, Stiles, Kira, and Malia wait in line to take the PSAT. Lydia is absent; apparently she took the test in freshman year. Hearing that, Malia is annoyed that she could’ve taken this test at another time. Scott reminds her that she studied harder than anyone.

MALIA: Doesn’t mean that I’m going to do good.

STILES: Well.

MALIA: Well what?

STILES: It’s ‘do well’, not ‘good’.

MALIA: Oh, God.

It looks like we’re still pretending that Malia could catch up on the near-decade of school that she missed while she was running around in the woods. The writers should be forced to try and catch up on nine years of homework in the space of a month or so. No, seriously. Try it.

SCOTT: You’re doing this because while we’re trying not to die, we still need to live. If I survive high school, I’d like to go to college. A good college.

KIRA: It’s only three hours. We can survive three hours.

Why would you say that, Kira? That is the ultimate jinx. What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?

The students file in and use an ink pad to mark their fingerprints down on a piece of paper. Oh, and LOOK WHO’S TAKING THEIR FINGERPRINTS. It’s Professor Evil. I’m going to assume you’re just administering the exam and not teaching here permanently because I don’t think any other teachers have died recently. I bet whatever change is in my wallet that he’s poisoning people through the ink pad.

In case you’re interested, my bet on the poisoned ink pad is $4.20 AUD. Go hard or go home.

In case you’re interested, my bet on the poisoned ink pad is $4.20 AUD. Go hard or go home.

Mama Martin takes people’s mobiles and puts them in little envelopes. Students grab some pencils and sit down, listening as Professor Evil tells them about the different sections of their exam. Behind Professor Evil, the blackboard reads PSAT SATURDAY 10AM just so we know what we’re dealing with. He mentions that there are supposed to be two teachers monitoring this exam and Mama Martin says that Coach is supposed to be here. She steps out of the classroom and goes to Coach’s office down the hall.

I need at least two adults to witness my mass murder.

Coach is passed out, head on his desk. Mama Martin tries to shake him awake but Coach is listless.

MAMA MARTIN: Oh, Bobby. 15 years sober and you fall off the wagon at school. Coach, look at me. It’s Natalie.

Coach mumbles something and Mama Martin says to forget it; she’ll bring him coffee during one of the breaks. Well, this makes Coach’s jokes about drinking way less funny and kind of devastating. And why does Mama Martin know exactly how long it’s been? Why does she seem so disappointed? Was she going to AA meetings with Coach at some point?

Sad face.

Sad face.

Mama Martin leaves Coach in his office and returns to the test room. She tells Professor Evil that she couldn’t find Coach and offers to grab Mr Yukimura, who’s upstairs grading papers. Professor Evil says the test has to start and they’ll grab Mr Yukimura during the first break. He clicks a stopwatch and the test begins.

Everyone frantically opens their papers and starts reading the questions. Stiles seems to be using two pencils ambidextrously, keeping a third in his mouth. He pauses and rereads a question, looking shocked not to know the answer.

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to answer 17 questions at once.

Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to answer 17 questions at once.

Malia looks completely flustered. She shrugs off her jacket and looks around to see everyone else whizzing through their papers.

Suddenly, a girl falls out of her seat. Mama Martin rushes over to help her up. The girl’s name is Sydney and she says she’s okay; she just got kind of dizzy. Mama Martin sees an ugly rash on Sydney’s arm and asks how long she’s had it. It doesn’t seem like Sydney’s seen it before.

And if we only die once, I want to die taking my PSAT. Let go.

And if we only die once, I want to die taking my PSAT.

Professor Evil asks if he should stop the test. Mama Martin tells everyone that it’s fine and to stay in their seats; she’ll be back in a minute. She grabs her phone and tells Professor Evil that no one is to leave the room. Scott looks over at Sydney, who’s now nursing her rash.

Mama Martin returns to Coach’s office and, using a tissue, checks his wrists and neck for the same rash. There’s nothing. She lifts up the back of Coach’s shirt and sees the rash has spread over his back.

It's good that he probably hasn't fallen off the wagon. It's less good that he may die.

It’s good that he probably hasn’t fallen off the wagon. It’s less good that he may die.

Mama Martin steps out of Coach’s office and starts to dial a number when a bunch of kids walk into the school, looking ready for a game of basketball. Mama Martin yells for them to get back and they leave quickly. Mama Martin locks the door behind them.

The PSAT students come out of the classroom to see what the commotion is and Mama Martin tells them to get back to their seats. Come on, Professor Evil. Some crowd control, please. Scott uses his wolf hearing to listen as Mama Martin asks the operator for the number of the Centre for Disease Control.

CDC agents in yellow biohazard suits enter the school and walk down the hall in slow-mo. Apparently the test has officially stopped now because Scott and Stiles watch them enter from the hallway. Mr Yukimura has also been called in to help handle the kids.

If some idiot with Ebola has made their way to Beacon Hills, I quit.

If some idiot with Ebola has made their way to Beacon Hills, I quit.

The CDC teams set up two rows of beds in plastic tents in a big classroom or maybe the cafeteria. Not entirely sure. The outside of the school is covered in plastic as well.

Sheriff arrives at the school and asks a female CDC worker what’s happening. Female CDC Worker is hoping that it’s a false alarm but the details from Mama Martin are concerning enough to require quarantine. She wants Sheriff’s help ensuring that no one gets in or out of the school. Sheriff says that his son is in there. It won’t be a conflict of interest but it will be stressful. Sheriff asks what happens now.

I don't have time for your feelings, sir.

I don’t have time for your feelings, sir.

Inside the school, in one of the plastic tents, Scott seems to have asked the same question. Mama Martin says that they have to isolate the sick and wait for instructions. She lays a blanket across Sydney’s legs and we see that the rash has spread across Sydney’s arms.

Let's just all stay in close proximity to someone we know is infected.

Let’s just all stay in close proximity to someone we know is infected.

MAMA MARTIN: If I’m wrong, they’ll be out of here pretty quickly and then I’m the crazy Biology teacher who panicked for nothing.

Mama Martin leaves. Sydney is close to tears. She’s not worried about being sick; the PSAT is the qualifying test for the National Merit Scholarship and, without it, Sydney’s parents can’t afford to send her to college. Scott pats Sydney’s leg and says that he’s sure they’ll let Sydney take the test again.

You know what, Scott? You may just have a point there. Quarantine alerts could possible count as a reason to let everyone retake the test. It’s probably a long-shot, though.

Back in the PSAT classroom, Stiles tells Kira and Malia that he heard someone from the CDC say that this might be smallpox. Professor Evil overhears and says it’s unlikely since smallpox was eradicated worldwide in 1979. They should be comforted by that unless the disease is something worse. Stiles starts scratching, almost as though he might have a weird and possibly dangerous rash all over his body.

Um, people usually just pretend not to hear us when we’re having private conversations. Not knowing how to lower our voices is kind of a thing.

Malia hears Sheriff’s voice with her werecoyote superpowers. Stiles starts leafing through the envelopes, looking for the one containing his mobile phone.

PROFESSOR EVIL: Don’t bother. They would’ve shut off any access to all outside communication by now. No cell service, no Wi-Fi, no starting a panic. Looks like we’re all just going to have to wait her and see what happens.

At the animal clinic, Satomi has brought Deaton one of her Betas who’s suffering from Professor Evil’s disease. It begins with a fever, and then shifting becomes uncontrollable—fangs, claws, even full unwarranted transformations. The pack moved into the woods at that point but the disease kept progressing until they could no longer stand and were consumed by a sudden and total blindness. Once the blindness set in, they had only a few minutes left.

Feeling kind of tender right now, tbh.

Feeling kind of tender right now, tbh.

Deaton checks the Beta’s eyes and sees that they’re completely white and the iris and pupil seem to have vanished. Deaton says they need to get the Beta to a hospital.

SATOMI: It’s never really been an option for our kind. Unless you know something I don’t.

DEATON: Not something. Someone.

That someone is Mama McCall and, quite frankly, it’s just lucky that she needs money and is at work 24/7. Mama McCall walks past a crying blonde girl without even pausing.

Keep crying, Blondie. Tears are for the weak.

Keep crying, Blondie. Tears are for the weak.

Braeden is unconscious and Derek is watching over her when Mama McCall walks in. She injects something into Braeden’s IV.

DEREK: What’s that?

MAMA McCALL: Naloxone. We need to wake her up.

DEREK: I thought you said she needed to rest.

MAMA McCALL: That was before I found out the CDC just put the high school under quarantine with Scott and Stiles still in there.

Braeden sits bolt-upright in bed and looks around. Mama McCall tells Braeden that she was shot but she’s in the hospital now and she’s fine. Braeden looks to Derek. He nods slightly and Braeden nods her understanding of the situation. Mama McCall asks about the pack Braeden found in the woods. Braeden tells her that they weren’t poisoned; they were infected.

BRAEDEN: It was a virus designed to kill werewolves. And it did. It killed them all.

Who dares disturb my slumber?

At the high school, Mama Martin knocks on the locker room door, looking for Scott. He’s been in there a long time and he’s not answering. Scott is hunched over a sink, struggling to control his shift.

RAGE.

Lydia is in her grandmother’s lake house, kneeling before the record player like it’s an altar. Beside her is a box of Meredith Walker’s personal effects. Lydia opens the box and pulls out an old, nearly-empty perfume bottle. Then a bouquet of dried flowers tied with a pink ribbon. Last comes a small stuffed toy and a photograph. Lydia puts on a record and static starts up.

Who are the flowers from, though? Meredith's whole family is supposed to be dead.

Who are the flowers from, though? Meredith’s whole family is supposed to be dead.

LYDIA: All right, Meredith. I’m not sure how to do this. I’m not a psychic and apparently I am not much of a banshee either but I’m trying to help my friends. I don’t know if you can hear me or what I’m supposed to ask you. But if I have this thing, it’s got to work some of the time. It’s got to help someone. Maybe what I really wanted to say was I’m sorry. I wish I could have helped you. I’m sorry.

Please come back and be my banshee buddy.

Please come back and be my banshee buddy.

Lydia turns off the record as a few tears start to fall. She packs away Meredith’s things, pausing when she looks at the photograph. It’s a black and white photo of Meredith and it seems to have been taken in this exact room. This seems to be lending further credence to the ‘Lydia’s grandma was a banshee’ theory. Maybe she had banshee parties where they all just sat in a soundproof room and listened to nothing.

Sick invite, Grandma.

Sick invite, Grandma.

Mr Yukimura walks into the locker room and finds Scott leaning against the locker. Scott tells Mr Yukimura to get Stiles.

Out in the hallway, students are lining up to have their blood taken by the CDC. Malia asks Kira if she ever gets the feeling that Scott and Stiles are hiding things. Kira plays dumb, saying that if they hide things then the boys probably would have a pretty good reason.

MALIA: Do you know what they’re hiding in the bag under Scott’s bed?

KIRA: What? No. I’ve never been under Scott’s bed. Or in it. Just on it. Wearing clothes.

Kira is saved from any further conversation when her name is called. Female CDC Worker from before swabs Kira’s arm and goes to insert the needle. When the needle touches Kira’s skin, lightning shoots from Kira’s skin, burning a hole in Female CDC Worker’s hazmat suit.

Kira hates needles. What a shocking discovery.

Kira hates needles. What a shocking discovery.

As Female CDC Worker is ushered out of the school, Malia tugs Kira out of line. Outside, Sheriff rushes up as Female CDC Worker takes off her hazmat suit. She brushes off the incident, saying it must have been static electricity. Only the top layer of her suit was affected; the interior layer is fine.

Agent McCall has arrived and he wants a verdict on what they’re dealing with inside the school. Female CDC Worker walks away, having no time for worried dads. Agent McCall has also heard the smallpox rumour.

SHERIFF: You want my opinion? I don’t think the Orphans were the only professional killers in Beacon Hills.

There was also this mouthless dude running around for a while. And your son's on a hit list. Just FYI.

There was also this mouthless dude running around for a while. And your son’s on a hit list. Just FYI.

Back in the locker room, Mr Yukimura has a conference with Scott, Stiles, Kira, and Malia. Scott’s eyes keep lighting up Alpha red. Malia can’t retract her claws. Since it seems the virus is affecting them in a way that it won’t hit any human being, Scott and Malia have to stay out of sight.

Nailed it.

Nailed it.

They can’t stay in the locker room in case they get violent like on a full moon. A classroom won’t hold them and the basement has too many possible exits. That seems like new information since everyone’s previous go-to plan has been ‘lock them in the basement’. If you guys have been locking people in basements for the last three seasons, knowing full-well that they can get out through multiple exits, you have some explaining to do.

Stiles suggests the Hale vault. Scott says there has to be another way in; the Hales always have an escape route. Since communications have been shut down, they can’t just ring Derek and ask him where the secret entrance is. Instead, someone gets a copy of the school blueprints. Based on where the school sign is, the second entrance will probably be somewhere in a basement hallway.

It's got to be the locker room or the basement. Those are like the only two sets we have.

It’s got to be the locker room or the basement. Those are like the only two sets we have.

Stiles collapses and quickly rights himself. Mr Yukimura looks at Stiles’s wrist and sees the rash spreading. Every one of the kids is sick except for Kira, who has her kitsune super-health. OR DOES SHE? She’s not showing physical symptoms but Mr Yukimura thinks the virus is affecting Kira neurologically. He grabbed Kira’s PSAT answer sheet in a pile to have a quick look. Kira hasn’t managed to fill in any of the bubbles; instead, there are a bunch of black pencil marks to the side of the answers.

Gold star for effort.

Gold star for effort.

Scott, Stiles, Kira, and Malia head to the basement, looking for the secret entrance to the Hale vault. Stiles finds it almost immediately behind a set of metal shelves. When they push the shelves away, we see a pretty damn obvious triskele carved into the wall. There’s a little metal grate like the one in the school sign.

I’m just saying that maybe the architect was really into triskeles.

Stiles says it should open with anyone’s claws. Scott looks at him. That’s not quite right. As far as they know, it only opens with Hale claws. Luckily, they have a Hale with them. Unluckily, they haven’t yet told Malia that she’s a Hale. Instead, they ask Malia to try opening the vault because Scott doesn’t have control over his shift and his claws aren’t out.

MALIA: Okay. I’ll do it. But first tell me what you’ve been hiding from me. I know you think you’re trying to protect me but I can handle it.

Scott and Stiles look ready to tell Malia the truth but she cuts across them, saying she knows she’s on the dead pool list. The other three breathe a sigh of relief, happy they can keep lying to Malia about something she’s inevitably going to find out.

MALIA: How much am I worth?

SCOTT: Four million.

STILES: Are you okay?

MALIA: Yeah. Scott’s worth 25. Kira’s six. They’ll take you guys out way before me.

Will they, though? Notice how everyone’s been reluctant to take out the bigger players on the dead pool? Whatever. Malia can live in her fantasy world. She steps forward and shoves her claws in the metal grate, swivelling it around until the wall slides to the side, revealing the vault. The four of them step inside and the wall slides closed behind them.

Where the valuables at?

Where the valuables at?

Deaton brings Satomi and her Beta to the hospital. Mama McCall asks if this is what’s happening at the school but Deaton didn’t even know that the PSAT was today, let alone that there was a quarantine. The Beta suddenly starts vomiting black grossness.

Mama McCall and Deaton load him onto a stretcher and get him into the elevator. The Beta dies before Mama McCall can treat him with whatever miracle cure she had.

Wtf happened between Satomi attacking Deaton at night and bring him the Beta in the morning? Move faster next time, people.

Wtf happened between Satomi attacking Deaton at night and bringing him the Beta in the morning? Move faster next time, people.

Down in the vault, apparently Stiles and Kira were only worried about the werewolves accidentally killing other people. They’re happy to chill in the vault with them. Scott sits in a corner while Kira paces. Stiles is cradling Malia’s head in his lap.

Just sleep it off.

Just sleep it off.

Stiles points out the safe where the bearer bonds were being kept. Kira looks around at the other stuff on the vault and sees a jar of what looks to me like dead spiders. She picks up the jar and has a quick look.

Why are you people keeping dead spiders in your top-secret vault?

KIRA: How do you even change bearer bonds into cash?

STILES: A bank, I guess. They just let it sit here the whole time collecting dust.

Did they, though? Derek has had some pretty snazzy cars for someone who was letting millions of dollars collect dust. And he’s got a pretty spacious loft now that he’s stopped sleeping in derelict houses and subway cubbies. And Peter—I don’t know what Peter has. Peter just seems to hang around Derek’s place all the time but it’s clear that he hasn’t been living off part-time wages or anything.

Stiles says that bearer bonds are basically extinct but that money could solve a lot of problems for him and his dad; the Eichen House and the MRI bills are crushing them. Scott says the money could help out his family as well. Mama McCall has taken to writing down all the items in their budget, how much they cost, and then adds it all up to see how long they have until they lose the house.

Outside, night has fallen. The CDC are setting up floodlights so they can keep working. Lydia arrives at the scene and is stopped at the barrier by a deputy. Sheriff sees her and lets her through. Lydia says her mother’s in there and she wants to know what’s happening. Sheriff says they’re working on it.

Down in the vault, Scott has his ear pressed to the wall. He can hear that people are looking for them. Someone’s going to have to go out there. Scott looks over at Kira and Malia, who are huddled on the floor.

Don't you say things.

Don’t you say things.

SCOTT: We need to tell her the truth about Peter. She’s going to see the rest of the dead pool eventually.

STILES: Try to remember that Peter’s the one name missing on that list, which either makes him incredibly lucky or the Benefactor. If she finds out about him, she’s going to go to him; you know she is. And then he’s going to twist his way into her head like he does with everyone, including us. We let him walk around like nothing ever happened, like he’s one of the good guys. Scott, he’s not one of the good guys. If she finds out about it, she’s gone. That’s probably what he’s waiting for. And then he wins, we lose.

SCOTT: We’re already losing.

He shows Stiles his hand. Black grossness is seeping from Scott’s fingernails.

Also, be real, guys. You are in an echoing chamber and even if Malia’s coyote hearing is impaired by the virus, she has normal human ears. And give her some credit. She may not go to Peter if you explain that he could be the Benefactor. She’s never shown any affection for Peter in the past and Malia’s not usually an affectionate person so she probably isn’t going to go rushing into his arms for a tearful reunion.

Since Satomi’s Beta is dead, Deaton perform a craniotomy on him to see why he’s insane in the membrane. There are gross sounds but Deaton takes one look at the dead Beta’s brain and has apparently figured out the problem already. Unfortunately, if he’s right and Scott and the others are infected, it’s not good. They’re going to die without an antidote.

How often do you two perform autopsies on actual humans? Be serious.

How often do you two perform autopsies on actual humans? Be serious.

Stiles shakes Malia awake so he can say goodbye. Malia has that same black grossness coming out of her fingernails and the corners of her mouth. Stiles tells her that if this is worse for the supernaturals then this is another assassin. Malia holds out her arm, which must be cold since Stiles gives her his jacket.

MALIA: You’re coming back, right?

STILES: Yeah. Yeah, I’d never leave you behind.

Stiles kisses Malia on the forehead and she gives him a teary smile. As Stiles leaves, Malia curls up on the ground again, crying.

Back at the hospital, Derek sits on Braeden’s bed, watching her sleep with a little smile on his face. Braeden wakes, clearing her throat, and Derek jumps off the bed.

BRAEDEN: What are you still doing here?

DEREK: I’m protecting my investment. Got a lot of money riding on you.

Yeah, right. You like her face.

Mama McCall knocks on the door, saying she has someone Derek has been trying to find. Satomi enters.

At the school, Sheriff pulls Lydia aside.

SHERIFF: All this is still very new to me and I don’t know how it works. I still have to ask. Do you have any kind of indication—any kind of feeling about this? Is someone in there going to die?

LYDIA: Yes. And it’s not just a feeling.

Get back behind the barricade until you can give me good news.

Get back behind the barricade until you can give me good news.

Derek joins Deaton, Mama McCall, and Satomi in the morgue. Deaton says that the disease is a variant of canine distemper. A few years ago, an outbreak in Yellowstone (Google says that’s a national park) killed 40% of the wolf population.

MAMA McCALL: What’s it going to do to our wolf population?

DEATON: Well, it’s been altered to infect quite a bit faster.

DEREK: You mean it’s been weaponised.

It infected all of Satomi’s pack except for her. The real question is did Satomi not get infected or is she immune?

Stiles finds Mama Martin in the CDC quarantine tent area and, brushing off her comments that he looks ill, asks where Mr Yukimura is. Mama Martin assures him that Mr Yukimura is fine and he’s helping the other students. As Stiles leaves, he notices Coach lying in one of the quarantine tents and wonders why Coach is the only adult who was affected by the virus.

I don't have time for quarantine, Mama Martin. I have mysteries to solve.

I don’t have time for quarantine, Mama Martin. I have mysteries to solve.

At the hospital, Satomi says that the shell casings Derek found in the woods must’ve been from another assassin.

SATOMI: Personally, I’d rather face a gun than a variant of smallpox.

MAMA McCALL: Sounds like you’re going to get plenty of chances.

Satomi starts staring at Derek and apologises when he notices her attention. She tells Derek that he reminds her of his mother, Talia.

SATOMI: I used to visit her a lot, you know. Do you remember me?

DEREK: I remember the tea. You always brought that tea that smelled terrible.

SATOMI: I brought that tea as a gift. Your mother loved it.

You're not too old for a slap, son. Don't insult my tea.

You’re not too old for a slap, son. Don’t insult my tea.

Deaton asks what kind of tea they’re talking about. Satomi says that it was wild purple reishi and it’s very rare. Deaton says that wild purple reishi is also a very powerful remedy for sickness. Satomi didn’t get infected by the virus because she’s been inoculated against it.

Just in case we weren’t clear, we get a quick HAZY FLASHBACK of Professor Evil sipping his tea at the beginning of the episode.

Mama McCall wants to know how rare the reishi is and whether they can find it.

DEREK: We don’t have to. My mother kept some of it. It’s in our vault.

So the first conversation Derek had with Satomi was about the cure for this virus that everyone’s suddenly dealing with. WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK.

We’re back in the Hale vault. The reishi is in that jar that Kira had earlier—the one I thought was full of dead spiders.

Malia struggles to get warm and shoves her hands in the pockets of Stiles’s jacket. She comes up with a piece of paper and opens it to read. Scott sees her and realises that it’s a copy of the dead pool. He staggers towards her. Maybe he thinks he can just tackle her.

Well, he doesn’t need to because of course Malia conveniently goes blind at this very moment so we can put off telling her about Peter yet again. Putting it off is just making this worse, I swear.

My eyes are conveniently broken.

My eyes are conveniently broken.

Scott realises that his own vision is blurry. They haven’t heard about how the blindness comes soon before death. Well, maybe this means Malia will die before she can find out who her father is.

Stiles searches Coach’s office for a reason as to why he was infected. He comes up with nothing until he sees a pile of permission slips that have been stamped with red ink. As he flips through the paper, Stiles sees the red ink fade until Coach switches to blank ink. He looks down and sees that there are black ink fingerprints on Coach’s coffee mug.

WHAT’S THAT? I WAS RIGHT? PAY UP.

Quick HAZY FLASHBACK to all the kids having to use the ink pad at the beginning of the PSAT.

Professor Evil appears in the doorway, holding a gun. Startled, Stiles drops the coffee mug on the floor.

PROFESSOR EVIL: I was wondering how that idiot got sick. I’m also wondering where your friends are since, in order to get paid by the Benefactor, I need to have proof that they’re dead.

STILES: Visual confirmation.

PROFESSOR EVIL: Exactly.

He points the gun at Stiles.

Never work with children, Stiles. This is what it does to you.

Never work with children, Stiles. This is what it does to you.

Coach suddenly wakes, coughing, in the CDC tent. He has no idea what’s going on. Others start to wake up, including Sydney. Mama Martin looks at Sydney’s arm and finds that the rash is gone. Sydney is eager to take the PSAT again.

Everyone’s getting better except for the three supernaturals in the Hale vault, who are now all blind, including Kira. I guess that the kitsune healing superpower doesn’t extend to this virus.

Professor Evil shoves Stiles into the locker room. He assures Stiles that the virus doesn’t kill humans; he’ll get to live if he tells Professor Evil where Scott, Kira, and Malia are. Stiles says he might have seen them in the library or the cafeteria.

PROFESSOR EVIL: I’m going to count to three and then I’m going to kill you.

STILES: Think you can scare me?

PROFESSOR EVIL: No, I think I can kill you. I just thought the countdown would make it more exciting.

He presses the barrel of the gun to Stiles’s head and starts to count. Stiles squeezes his eyes shut.

You can't kill me. My fanbase is too strong.

You can’t kill me. My fanbase is too strong.

A gun goes off and Stiles’s face is splattered with blood. But it’s not his blood; it’s Professor Evil’s.

I could've killed so many more people.

I could’ve killed so many more people.

He’s been shot through the head by a CDC worker. Oh, nope. That’s Agent McCall in a hazmat suit. I’m not sure how long Agent McCall was standing there or what he heard. He got a call from Melissa. He doesn’t know what it means but there’s an antidote—reishi mushrooms—in a jar on one of the shelves in the vault.

Find the magic mushrooms, Stiles. You're our only hope.

Find the magic mushrooms, Stiles. You’re our only hope.

Well, good thing they already found out the second entrance to the vault or everyone would be screwed. Derek is about to leave the hospital, probably to enter the vault by the main entrance and then get into the school by the secondary entrance because that seems like what a sensible human would do.

Satomi is worried about the rest of her pack who are still at Lookout Point. Woman, he’s got to go and get the mushrooms anyway so don’t waylay him or he’ll never get to Lookout Point in time.

They don’t have much time to talk this through as the elevator doors slide open and out walks a blonde girl—the same crying girl that Mama McCall walked past earlier. Blondie raises a gun and starts shooting. Y’all can’t fight in a hospital like this. Were you raised in a barn, Blondie Assassin? Take it outside.

I've been pretending to cry all day. Time for some murder.

I’ve been pretending to cry all day. Time for some murder.

Derek dives in front of Satomi. Satomi pulls out her baton thing and dodges the bullets in slow-mo Matrix style. She stabs Blondie in the neck. Blondie drops her gun and serves as proof of why you shouldn’t take on the oldest living werewolf by yourself. That was dumb. RIP, idiot.

Respect your elders, bitch.

Respect your elders, bitch.

Mama McCall and Deaton emerge from the morgue and Derek gets to his feet, apparently unharmed. Satomi smiles.

SATOMI: I may have learned to control my anger but I still know when to use it.

Back at the vault, Stiles hammers on the wall, unable to get in unless someone opens it from the inside. Scott leans against the wall but can’t open the door. Stiles calls out the information about the reishi mushrooms, banging on the door and screaming. He slides to the floor, defeated.

Inside, Kira has heard Stiles’s yelling. She’s seen reishi before; Mama Yukimura used reishi in season 3B to stop Mr Yukimura choking on a Nogitsune fly. Kira says that she saw the mushrooms in a jar on one of the shelves. That’s no more information than Stiles gave but it’s enough of a motivator.

Scott struggles to his feet and, instead of just opening the door so Stiles can come in and save the day, he turns on his Alpha eyes and uses their infrared technology to find the jar of mushrooms.

And at last I see the light and it's like the fog has lifted.

And at last I see the light and it’s like the fog has lifted.

Thankfully, the mushrooms are so magical that they glow purple in Scott’s infrared vision.

And it's warm and real and bright and it's like the mushrooms have their own honing device.

And it’s warm and real and bright and it’s like the mushrooms have their own honing device.

Even though the jar is on a relatively low shelf, Scott can barely stay on his feet. He reaches up and eventually knocks the jar off the shelf, smashing it. Don’t worry about swallowing glass, guys. You can heal. You got this. Oh, it doesn’t matter. Apparently the smell of the reishi is enough to break the curse/inoculate them. Well done, mushrooms.

Get some of that in your front holes.

Get some of that in your front holes.

The door to the vault opens and Stiles jumps up, almost crying in relief when he sees Scott stumble out, face clear of black grossness.

Apparently it’s daylight again. Or the floodlights outside are just super bright. Quarantine is over and people are rushing out of the school. Sheriff and Lydia fight through the crowd, looking for their loved ones. Lydia runs to her mother and hugs her. Mama Martin apologises, saying she was just trying to get a little overtime.

Back in the vault, everyone’s healed. Scott helps Kira to her feet. Malia sits in her corner. Stiles crouches down in front of her and puts his hand on her shoulder. Malia grabs Stiles’s arm and pushes him away, looking betrayed. She gets up and walks out of the vault.

You are garbage and I hate you.

You are garbage and I hate you.

Stiles looks back and sees the dead pool printout lying on the ground. He doesn’t need to read it again but maybe we need a reminder that Malia is listed as Malia Hale. Stiles crumples the piece of paper in his hand. What’d I tell you? HUH? WHAT DID I SAY? YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES. (Also, let’s just assume that Malia realised straight away that her name was different because Peter is her father. That seems easiest.)

She's right. I am garbage.

She’s right. I am garbage.

END OF EPISODE

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