LAST SEASON ON TEEN WOLF:
Everyone’s supernatural and almost everyone’s coupled up.
Malia has trouble with school because she was an actual coyote for nearly a decade and no one thought she should maybe enter a lower grade.
We discovered that Eichen House, the nightmarish excuse for a mental health facility, is also home/detention centre for supernatural villains. After Peter Hale turned out to be behind an evil plot again, he got the privilege of becoming an inpatient. He’s currently rooming with Dr Valack, who has a creepy Cyclops eye.
Deputy Parrish found out he was definitely fireproof, maybe immortal, but not what breed of Pokémon he was. Lydia tried to help him figure it out, with a possible side-order of romance.
Scott (now a True Alpha) turned Liam into his first Beta. It was mostly an accident to prevent Liam being killed but now there’s a beautiful father-son bond between Scott and Liam that I will cherish forever.
Everyone took a road trip to Mexico. Things got weird.
This beautiful, majestic hunk of a man told Scott he would make a good Alpha and then MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE DISAPPEARED FROM MY LIFE.
Eichen House. Night. A crow flies around to emphasise the creepiness.
Obligatory shower scene because Eichen House has the best hot water ever. Whoever’s in this shower has got some serious bruising. Is it self-harm? Is it run-of-the-mill Eichen House mistreatment? Is it—is that Lydia? WHAT IS WRONG, MY PRECIOUS BABY? WHY ARE YOU CATATONIC?
Some evil woman/Eichen House employee is watching Lydia shower and she should really find a new job because she doesn’t seem to believe that people in mental health facilities might have, you know, mental health issues. She escorts Lydia back to her CELL. Why is she in a cell? What the heck happened? Oh, God, she’s in the supernatural ward, isn’t she?
Evil Eichen Lady buggers off, leaving Evil Eichen Man to inject Lydia with some drugs. He makes sure to do it in the most psychotic and sexual way possible.
But it doesn’t MATTER because as soon as he gets too close, Lydia sits bolt upright and enters FULL BANSHEE MODE. Heck yeah.
Lights bursting everywhere, Lydia’s out of her cell, she’s fighting two orderlies like she’s Black Widow. I was waiting so long for her to get her powers sorted and she’s done it! I am so down with this.
Lydia manages to escape into the pouring rain, but before she can go too much further, she’s confronted by a TWIN. A TWIN IS BACK. No, bro. Bro, why? Which twin are you? That’s got to be Ethan, right? But his face is too hard. Is that … is Aiden back from the dead? Whoever this twin is, he tells Lydia that her treatment isn’t finished.
As Lydia is beaten into submission with electric cattle prods, she begs for her freedom.
LYDIA: Please, I have to tell them! They’re all going to die. My friends. They’re all going to die.
First things first: DEREK HALE is no longer in the credits. I know he’s not a regular on the show anymore but why must we be deprived of his shirtlessness?
Other new things: Liam has graduated to a regular. Congrats, you adorable Golden Retriever.
Some Scott and Kira make-out action. And a look at this season’s baddies, who I know are supposed to be called the Doctors but they look to me like something out of The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances so I’m going to call them Empty Children until I decide otherwise.
This episode is dedicated to Cyndi Garcia-Posey (Tyler Posey’s mum) who lost her battle with breast cancer in late 2014.
Scott and Stiles are hanging out at Lookout Point, under the romantic light of a full moon, and they’re looking for apartments for college which—they’re not even in college. But apparently ‘no one gets left behind’ and they’re all going to be roomies when they do get into college so why not look at rentals that probably won’t even be available in a year’s time? They mention Lydia totally calmly, which I guess means that the pre-title was a flash forward or they’re not aware that she’s been taken prisoner. WE SHALL SEE.
Scott breaks the romantic mood to meditate on Deaton’s season 3 speech on regression to the mean. The last six months have been good, but not great. No one’s tried to kill them. So things are going to get really good again soon or really bad. Lightning strikes in the distance to indicate that it’s going to get really bad.
In the background, Liam is chained to a tree because he’s still a newbie werewolf and he apparently ran around naked last full moon.
He reckons he’s in complete and total control and anyone with eyes as big as Scott’s (and werewolf polygraph abilities) should be able to see that that is a lie. Sure enough, Liam is unchained from the tree and he silently looks down at his hands, which are red with blood from digging his nails into them.
At the sheriff’s station, Deputy Parrish is answering a dozen phone calls from people freaking out about a storm. Meanwhile, Parrish is freaking out because apparently he’s no longer Sheriff’s golden boy and doesn’t get to go out and play with the big kids help with fallen power lines.
As a compromise, Sheriff sends Parrish off to check out a noise complaint at a creepy and seemingly empty house. Lightning strikes to emphasise the creepiness.
Parrish checks out the house. If someone wants to sell this place they should probably sweep the leaves off the floor and pick up that chandelier, tbh. Who just leaves a chandelier lying on the ground? Parrish hears a noise in the basement. It seems like there’s someone trapped on the other side of a brick wall. Parrish tries to break down the wall with some flimsy piece tyre iron or something. It’s pretty ineffectual but some black goop immediately starts seeping out of the wall and sprays him in the face.
Then the WHOLE WALL EXPLODES and SOMETHING COMES OUT OF IT. Something covered in black goop with the blue eyes of a werewolf that’s done some killing of innocents. And he STABS PARRISH IN THE STOMACH. BACK THE FUCK OFF.
Oh, wait. Parrish’s eyes glow gold, then the other dude’s eyes glow gold and he says, ‘You’re not a werewolf. But you’re something.’ What the actual heck is going on. He promises to let Parrish live if he tells him where Scott is. Parrish says he’s never heard of Scott.
Stiles drives along some road with Scott and Liam. The Jeep dies from some (possibly electrical) issue. From the look of it, most of the engine is duct tape now. As they’re duct taping the engine, Liam starts seeing lightning strike the road multiple times. Lightning strikes near Scott and Stiles before they decide to get in the Jeep and bugger off.
Elsewhere, Malia is helping her dad (he’s back?) lift a fallen tree and casually showing off her cute new haircut and extreme supernatural strength in front of strangers.
The boys pick Malia up and she makes out with Stiles in front of her dad because she cares nothing for anyone’s safety. Or maybe because her father’s been absent for an entire season and she cares nothing for his idle threats about owning a gun. Once she’s in the Jeep, Stiles and Scott start asking Malia if she’s heard anything. Apparently she’s went to summer school to try and improve her grades so she could be a senior this year. She hasn’t heard anything yet; her phone’s been on the fritz because of the storm.
Mama McCall heads home, yelling to a not-there Scott that she’s been called back into the hospital. COINCIDENTALLY, Goop Guy is hanging out in Casa McCall because they probably still haven’t invested in security screens. Come on, guys. It’s been five seasons.
Kira is sitting in a traffic jam with her parents. Everyone’s phones are not working because of the storm and she’s full on standing on the roof of her car to try and get a signal.
Some random dude nods at her in solidarity.
She gets in the car and finally gives some details on why everyone’s heading to the school. It’s for something called Senior Scribe, they’re not supposed to tell anyone about it, and it’s probs not vandalism. Kira’s prepared to walk, until it starts pouring. When that happens, sitting in a car with her parents seems more enticing.
Scott takes Liam to the hospital so that his stepdad can babysit him. Except that Liam’s stepdad is a doctor and if he’s at the hospital it’s probably because he’s busy doctoring. Scott is not as dumb as he pretends because he totally knows that Liam’s having trouble with the full moon. Liam fesses up, showing Scott his still-bloody hands. Scott gives a fatherly lecture on how Liam is not failing, he’s just still learning and one day he’s going to grow up and be a big scary werewolf even if things are hard right now. That’s the general gist, anyway, I was getting irritated because Scott once again gets his butt in an elevator during a storm when lights are flickering. Nothing bad happens. It’s just a pet peeve.
Scott leaves Liam at the hospital because taking him home would just not be sensible. He meets up with Stiles and Malia, and reveals that he and Kira haven’t been texting each other all that often. Apparently when Kira left for New York over the summer, Scott told her, ‘Don’t worry, go have fun.’ That might seem like a totally innocuous comment but Stiles thinks it might have a second meaning.
STILES: Malia, if you were going away and I told you, ‘Don’t worry, go have fun’, what would you think I was talking about?
MALIA: Fun like bowling? Or sex with other guys?
Y’all are still children. Keep it in your pants.
As more and more patients are wheeled into the hospital from a car accident, Scott and Stiles realise that Kira must be stuck in traffic on that same road. DUN DUN DUN. He’ll meet Malia and Stiles at the school because he’s going to mysteriously get through a traffic jam and come to Kira’s rescue. Is he going to do his wolf-run down the middle of a highway? Because I don’t see how that will help.
At the sheriff’s station, deputies haul some delinquent kid in. By breaking and entering a premises while armed, Delinquent Kid seems to have breached a suspended sentence and is going straight to jail.
Realising his mistake, Delinquent Kid tries to make things better by threatening to kill Sheriff. Keep talking, buddy. That’s really gonna help your case. Sheriff seems upset by the threats and also because Parrish hasn’t come back yet.
Scott grabs his bike helmet from Casa McCall, which is a more normal method of transport than wolf-running. As he’s leaving, Scott notices the note that Goop Guy yanked off the fridge, complete with suspicious claw marks.
But there’s no time to dwell on that because all of a sudden the magnets have stopped working. They just drop to the floor. Then Scott notices that the clock is whacked. Magnets magically reattach themselves to the fridge and a small earthquake occurs.
At the creepy house, Parrish is alive and … smokin’ hot. (No, literally, his wounds are smoking.) He tries to call for help on the radio but it just squawks at him unhelpfully. Lydia rocks up and finger-paints with Parrish’s blood, then nearly kisses him.
Sheriff rocks up just as Parrish loses consciousness—Lydia was only ever a hallucination.
Sheriff takes Parrish to Mama McCall in the morgue because that’s where the cool kids hang. Neither of them have any idea how to help Parrish and they assume the smoking wounds are part of his healing process. Parrish sits bolt upright, totally healed and looking murderous.
Sheriff immediately pulls out his gun, ready to protect himself and Mama McCall. But Mama McCall sees that Parrish’s eyes have stopped glowing and he’s back to an everyday hunk. An everyday hunk who remembers that they need to find Scott.
Back in the traffic jam, Kira’s parents are turning it into story hour. The storm reminds them of the Wild Hunt—the Ghost Riders.
MAMA YUKIMURA: Imagine a night like this, Kira. In storm clouds just like these, phantom hunters would appear, riding black horses with blood-red eyes, wolves and hounds at their side, baying and snarling.
KIRA: What were they hunting?
MAMA YUKIMURA: Souls.
Is this foreshadowing? Or just more cool mythology? I’m fine with either.
But the story is interrupted when Scott rides the wrong way down the highway, through the parked cars. (He’s obviously bored with localised earthquakes and weird magnets.) Kira jumps out of the car to meet him.
SCOTT: Did you have fun in New York?
KIRA: Not really.
Cue make-out in the rain. Everything is well again.
Back in the morgue, no one has made any attempt at contacting/going after Scott because it’s story time about Parrish’s encounter with Goop Guy. He tells them that when Goop Guy stabbed Parrish, it felt like the life was being sucked out of him through the claws. Mama McCall and Sheriff are impressing me with their knowledge about werewolf stuff but Parrish is worried that Goop Guy might be able to steal Scott’s True Alpha powers. Like, I know you need the full story but shouldn’t ‘Bad guy after Scott’ be enough to go find him by now?
Thankfully Liam has been eavesdropping on the conversation and he’s off to find Scott like a sensible human being. Keep your cool and don’t kill anyone, baby.
Scott and Kira get to the high school, somehow dry though they’ve just been making out in/riding through the rain on Scott’s bike. They engage in a more serious make-out session in that little underpass place and it’s all great until Goop Guy appears and runs at them through a majestic waterfall.
Elsewhere at the high school, Stiles and Malia are blissfully unaware of all of this and are more worried about this mysterious Senior Scribe thing and whether everyone’s going to make it. Malia still doesn’t know if she passed all her summer schooling and she doesn’t want to take part in Senior Scribe unless she’s actually a senior. Stiles is super supportive, mumbling, ‘Yeah’ while staring off into the distance as other students arrive.
MALIA: What’s wrong with you? You smell terrible.
STILES: Yeah, it’s called anxiety. It should be a familiar scent for you by now since it’s pretty much a constant state for me.
Recently Stiles found out that Sheriff doesn’t talk to any of his high school friends anymore—he just lost touch with them. Now Stiles is worried that Scott’s his best friend now but he won’t be his best friend for life. I totally understand that thought process but, for real, did Sheriff happen to be involved in a supernatural club? No? I feel like constant near-death experiences that have to be kept a total secret might just be a stronger bond than regular high school.
Anyway, Malia is totally on board with Stiles’s vision of keeping the pack together, especially if she’s part of it. Now that Stiles feels understood, he and Malia can make out in the rain as well.
Well, until Liam shows up.
LIAM: Scott’s in trouble.
That is literally all these kids need to go find Scott. Mama McCall and Sheriff are probably still debriefing over a cup of coffee in the morgue, maybe enjoying the fact that Parrish’s shirt is all ripped up.
In the underpass area, Kira and Scott are fighting Goop Guy. Kira has LITERALLY THE BEST FASHION ACCESSORY EVER. HER BELT IS A SWORD. 10/10 WOULD BUY. I feel like Kira always gets her butt kicked when using a sword. Has Mama Yukimura started with any kitsune lessons yet? She should get on that immediately.
Goop Guy claims to be a devoted fan. He wants to see the True Alpha who took down Deucalion and broke the Argents. Scott fights a bit more and ends up eating shit. Kira eats shit with the sword again. Just as Goop Guy is about to stab Scott, some werewolf comes out of nowhere and IT LOOKS LIKE ISAAC?!?!?!
He fights Goop Guy for a while but Scott still ends up getting stabbed. Goop Guy is slowly draining away his True Alpha power as Stiles, Malia, and Liam arrive.
Or not? NOPE. SCOTT’S EYES ARE STILL RED, BITCH.
Scott breaks Goop Guy’s arm so hard that bones are sticking out. He rips Goop Guy’s dismembered talons out of his own heart and then lays down the law.
SCOTT: I don’t know who you are or what you thought you were going to do but I’ll give you a choice: you can stay and I’ll break something else or you can run.
STILES: I’d run.
Goop Guy sees the logic in that and runs away.
Despite everyone running through the rain/battling in waterfalls, most hair is mysteriously dry again.
Turns out the werewolf I thought was Isaac is actually Theo, who was Scott’s childhood BFFL and also the dude commiserating with Kira over lack of phone service.
THEO: You don’t remember me, do you? I guess I look a little different since the fourth grade.
Well, I will maybe never remember this guy because he looks so much like Liam that I will never be able to tell them apart. All you boys and your solid jawlines are confusing the heck out of me.
Theo says he heard of an Alpha in Beacon Hills. When he found out the Alpha was Scott McCall, he had to see it for himself. And he wants to be part of Scott’s pack.
Well, it’s not an open door policy so everyone ditches Theo and Liam and somehow manage to stay mostly dry as they enter the high school. Malia gets a well-timed text telling her that she’s a senior.
Lydia catches sight of them and asks them if they’re doing this. She’s not a hallucination and she’s definitely not in Eichen House? So I guess that settles it: the pre-credits scene was definitely a flash-forward kind of thing and my soul will probably be ripped apart this season if it goes the way I think it’s going.
All problems can wait because Senior Scribe is officially starting. Basically everyone is writing their initials on a shelf in the library under where the yearbooks are housed. Stiles spots the initials DH and smiles a bit. Maybe that’s Derek’s handwriting or maybe it’s someone random like Deborah Huxtable but it doesn’t matter.
Everyone makes their mark. Malia has an identity crisis for a sec about her last name but decides to go with Tate instead of Hale. Scott writes his initials and then AA for ALISON ARGENT. SHUT UP, YOU’RE CRYING. (Also the next guy in line looks like he’s 40 years old. Shave that holiday scruff before the first day, buddy.)
STILES: She would have been with us.
LYDIA: She still is.
They walk through the halls in slow mo because slow mo means they’re awesome.
Cut to some evil dungeon lair. Goop Guy collapses on the floor and asks for another chance; he could do with a little more power. Something makes a noise like Predator and suddenly three weird masked dudes/Empty Children are coming at him.
EMPTY CHILDREN: Are you my mummy? Your condition worsens.
GOOP GUY: I’m okay. I’m okay. Just give me another chance.
EMPTY CHILDREN: You were supposed to remove the obstacles. Your time is limited.
GOOP GUY: Whatever you’re here to do, I can help.
EMPTY CHILDREN: No second chances.
GOOP GUY: I can help you.
EMPTY CHILDREN: No second chances.
I think that’s what they were saying, anyway. They’re going to have to work on their diction. There’s no point being a supervillain if no one can understand your ominous speeches.
One of the Empty Children stabs Goop Guy in the chest. His chest rips open and a billion crows just fly out of his body. That’s just lovely.
Back in the Eichen House flash-forward/present day/who knows, Lydia is now restrained in her bed. Aiden makes it clear that he’s a hallucination. He suddenly becomes some other guy … is that Dr Valack/Cyclops dude from last season minus the gaping head wound? I THINK SO.
DR VALACK: Tell me, Lydia. Tell me what happened to them. What happened to your friends?
Lydia repeatedly says she doesn’t remember anything but she has a few flashes of things. Scott and Liam fighting each other in werewolf form. Mama McCall slapping Sheriff. Kira getting in a car and being driven away. Parrish walking through fire with glowing eyes. The Desert Wolf finally finding a terrified Malia. Stiles PRESUMABLY DEAD IN A FIERY JEEP. HOW DARE YOU.
Dr Valack says that it’s all right; there are other ways to get to the details. And then he pulls out a fricking DRILL.
DR VALACK: This special device is designed for trepanation: the medical art of drilling into the human skull. Let me show you how it works.
END OF EPISODE